


kiss your knuckles

by standing_cowardly



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Abusive Relationship, M/M, Ryden, Rydon, physical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 11:50:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9656315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/standing_cowardly/pseuds/standing_cowardly
Summary: Brendon made a single rule to himself; he wouldn't allow himself to be taken advantage of. It all came crashing down around him when he met Ryan.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this all came about due to the song "trouble" by halsey.
> 
> trigger warnings: vague mentions of violence, and a lot of implied physical abuse. if those sorts of things bother you, leave now. centered around an abusive relationship.

 " _I bet you kiss your knuckles right before they touch my cheek."_

***

Brendon had a few rules he made to himself. Among those was this one specific one he promised he would never break; to never be taken advantage of. He always followed this rule. Until Ryan.

***

When they first met, Ryan--he was normal. He was nice. He was shy. And most of all, to Brendon, he was adorable.

The first time anything happened between them was in Brendon's shitty apartment. Two rooms, and a dingy mattress to sleep on. Ryan stayed over constantly. Brendon never asked why; the prominent bruises on Ryan's arms and torso were explanation enough.

But one night, as they lay facing opposite directions on the mattress, Ryan rolled over and gently ran his fingertips down Brendon's bare back. He traced patterns into his skin, outline his spine using the soft pads of his fingers. The slight callouses on his fingers felt different to Brendon; he only ever was touched so intimately by women. The roughness was different, but only more arousing.

Then, Brendon rolled over to look at Ryan's face, and wasn't able to. Ryan simply tugged him in, and kissed him lightly. As they stared at one another smiling, it was enough.

They fell asleep comfortably in eachother's arms.

***

It was never discussed aloud; it was simply something they had silently established. They were exclusive. Ryan--he was possessive. But Brendon didn't mind it.

***

Their relationship carried along. Small, significant moments. Sweet nothings whispered into bare skin during intimate moments. The soft press of lips into the curves of one another. They simply adored eachother.

Brendon thought nothing of it when he first told Ryan he loved him. Only, Ryan didn't respond.

***

Brendon constantly reassured himself that this was only because Ryan was insecure about their relationship. It was still new. Something that still needed adapting towards.

Brendon wanted Ryan to know he meant it. Instead of sweet compliments whispered into bare skin, Brendon would only make him aware of those three words.

***

Four months without Ryan saying it back, and Brendon was becoming insecure about Ryan's confidence in him. Only, when they were alone on the bus one night after a show, Ryan had become fed up.

"I love you." Whispered against Ryan's neck, nuzzling gently into the skin.

And Brendon expected his usual response of nothing. Only, he didn't receive it.

Instead, a hand was in his hair, tugging him away roughly, to which he hissed. Before he could get any words to leave his mouth, something was colliding with his face, and he was hitting the floor.

"Stop fucking saying that."

And it was then that Brendon looked up and saw Ryan, looking irate, with his fist clenched.

As he clutched his cheek in disbelief, he realized that Ryan's fist was what had collided with it.

A fire raged inside him.

***

This continued, but only when others weren't around. And only in places that weren't visible.

His internal fire was dimmed to a dull flicker in a short amount of time.

And as he stared at himself naked in the mirror at the colors etched into his skin, he was only able to reassure himself with one thought.

Ryan would give up the world for him. Ryan loved him.

***

Slowly, they slept further apart at night.

Slowly, they drifted.

But it was almost a role reversal. Ryan had been the one hiding bruises when they met, but now it was Brendon.

Slowly, Ryan fell deeper into his addiction.

***

Excuses were able to make up for the bruises that simply weren't able to be hidden.

***

He was constantly aching. On the outside, and the inside.

***

"Brendon, please." Spencer, begging for the truth.

"There's nothing going on." More denial. More lies.

"He hits you. I know he does."

And Brendon broke down in sobs as he fell into Spencer's arms.

***

Slowly, he came to many realizations.

Ryan wouldn't give the world for him. He would do anything for Ryan, but he wouldn't do the same for him

Ryan was out fucking whores, and Brendon simply forgave him.

Ryan didn't care. Ryan didn't love him. He was simply Ryan's game.

***

"I'm done. You're just like your father. You're a fucking hypocrite, Ryan. You don't love me. You never have. You don't care. You never have."

It hurt worse when Ryan simply shrugged as Brendon sobbed.

"I know. I've accepted it for a while."

"We're done, Ryan. Done for good."

And Ryan finally broke down, but Brendon knew time would only repeat itself if he gave in.

He walked away.

His fire became ablaze once again, because though it had dimmed to only warm embers, he still had some gasoline left to set it ablaze.

Slowly, the bruises disappeared.

And finally, Brendon had escaped the monstrous man he had submitted himself to for years.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading xx


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